How to find Your Master-slave match

Property Market: which property goes best with which Owner?

Short link: http://j.mp/wp-match

Why is one person the property & slave and the other the Owner & Master?  This is probably the most important question of all.  It goes to the source of what we want, the decisions we make, and even the morals we live by. It’s also important because everybody needs to know whether they are making the right decision or not, and this is a big decision to make, and you can only really know you’re making the right decision if you know what makes you tick, i.e. what your needs are as a human being.

Of course, I’ve done all the work and found the best possible answer, which I’ll reveal here. All part of the service :)I’ll cut to the chase, then explain it in detail: this is how we experience and attain happiness. And happiness is what drives humanity, including our morals.  How we all go about achieving happiness is what makes us different.

Happiness

In a vanilla equal relationship, the partners are happiest when equally serving each other’s needs. When they don’t, they argue, and so they work towards compromise. If they continue down a path of no compromise, and continue to fail to address each other’s needs and not make each other happy, the relationship stands a good chance of breaking down. Try dominating or submitting to someone who gets happiness through quid pro quo equality.  Chances are they’ll feel guilty or neglected or even degraded, and end up with a confused or low opinion of you.  Abusive or selfish men are vilified, but it’s also possible, among many other reasons, that such men are not compatible with their partner.

The problem is that the equality-seekers are the vast majority. Society evolves in the direction of its majority. It’s a slow process because of the flaws of how societies are organised. But as many dictators have found out, you can’t keep all the people penned in all the time. Eventually most of society moves towards the centre. Those of us on the extremes or extremities, those of us not looking for equality in our home lives, are often misunderstood by the majority and we’re left thinking we’re bad for wanting something different. However, as I’ll explain, equality is not the only way to attain happiness for both partners.

Introducing The Power Seekers

We call them Masters in BDSM for largely fetish reasons from a throwback to a bygone era, but actually any power seeker in their personal relationships will do. I’ve had a few long-term relationships with dominant men who weren’t remotely into fetish or BDSM.  A lot of Power Seekers or Masters are dominant and controlling because they want to avoid the pitfalls of compromise and argument; these don’t make them happy, and they certainly want to avoid the least happiest state of all: complete break down of their relationship and losing what they love.

So they adopt a possessive, controlling dominance over their possessions and what they love. By controlling it and making decisions for it, the theory is that they’ll hold on to it for as long as they can or want. In fact, some more extreme Masters even make comparisons between their slave and their car: “if the car can’t up and leave when it wants and I own the car, why should My slave be able to?”

A Master is happy when He gets His way, when His needs, desires, and whims are met. It gives Him a sense of stability that what He has is actually His and not fleeting and ready to fly to the next coop.  The faster and better a slave can provide that stability and prove it by giving the Master what He wants, the happier the Master.That’s the theory. Of course the practice for many is different, but understanding why some of us want and need to be Masters and slaves, gives us a better chance for the theory to work and for us to find someone compatible with our aims and goals towards happiness.

So what’s in it for the TPE slave?  The short answer is nothing, but once I’ve explained the slave inclination, it should make sense. A more accurate question to ask is “how can the slave be happy being controlled, owned, and overpowered by a Master or  power seeker?”:

Introducing the selfless vicarious-pleasure slave

Some slaves (and boy are they rare) experience pleasure vicariously, and it is vicarious pleasure that makes them happy, content, and fulfilled. Before you Google “vicarious pleasure”, it means these slaves experience pleasure through the feelings of another person, and that person in the BDSM world is often called the Master. Vicarious pleasure is what makes these slaves tick.  It’s as automatic a consequence as “a happy Master results in a happy slave”.

These slaves are to various degrees selfless (some are even totally selfless or want to be) because selflessness is often a sure way to experience vicarious pleasure (provided it isn’t abused by the recipient of the selflessness – this is where gratitude comes from, not to mention reciprocity – and some Masters get it horribly wrong when they abuse the wrong aspect of the service they receive but they’re beyond the scope of this post).

Some people who work in certain jobs such as a restaurant as a waiter get job satisfaction out of making others happy by ensuring the customers have a pleasant meal and a good time. It certainly makes their job easier. Good teachers put in extra hours of work to try to be the best teacher they can because they get job satisfaction out of educating others, helping others achieve their goals and make something of their lives.

A vicarious-pleasure slave is like that but on a much deeper, more emotional and loving level. They don’t need to be all giving and selfless at work, but they do need to experience and express selflessness at home.

In some ways, especially if it involves domestic chores/servitude, it has parallels to a loving mother caring for her children. Gay men didn’t evolve to have kids through heterosexual relationship means, but who’s to say some of us didn’t evolve to take care of other more dominant Men instead?  More about the Slave Gene here.It follows that if it’s the Master getting what He wants that makes the slave happy then it often doesn’t matter what it is that the selfless slave has to do. If doing the cleaning, laundry and ironing is what the Master wants and would make Him happy, the slave will seize on this as an opportunity to be selfless.The mechanism is:

Selfless slave => Useful slave => X done by slave => happy Master => happy slave.

Where X is any task that will make the Master happy, pleased, pleasured or freed up.

And happy days are here again because the two needs balance each other out, both are happy. To paraphrase an old saying: “those I have served, have served me”.  The Master and slave are serving each other’s needs.  And what does having your needs met make you?

Happy.

However, it’s not all “up above the streets and houses, rainbow flying high”. To complicate matters yet further, some Doms/Masters can’t handle such selflessness and don’t want it. It’s important to understand that not every Master is looking for the same thing. For most I suspect it’s a question of degree, which is why slaves have evolved to come in all shapes and sizes and degrees of submissiveness. There are also other kinds of slaves, and a whole class of subs, who have other roots to happiness.

There’s no “one size fits all” slave. Sounds obvious, but if I had a penny for every time I had to say that…

A slave knowing his emotional limitations, what makes him tick, what degrees of submission he’s capable of, and likewise, a Master knowing what degree of submission He wants out of a slave, will make it easier to find compatibility.  Water finds its own level.

The other aspect to bear in mind, and this applies to both Masters and slaves, is that none of this is set in stone.  Some Masters want a concrete agreement by the end of the week or you’re a time-waster, or worse, “not a real slave” (I love defensive Masters, they always make me chuckle). Some slaves want a Master who hardens with time or at least doesn’t let up on being the sole authority figure, when some Masters tend to relax more once a loving Master/slave relationship is in place. The problem with these kinds of Master and slave is that feelings and emotions are not tablets of stone you  carry down from a mountain. Our inner selves are not monoliths. Our feelings fluctuate so there needs to be some accounting for this.

Of course the more demanding, selfish and dominant the Master and the more selfless, vicarious and submissive the slave, the less they will probably deviate from their true calling, and the more compatible they’ll be, but as I’ve said such slaves are incredibly rare.  The majority of human beings live on a spectrum of emotions, feelings and needs and we should learn to go with the grain, not against it, if happiness is what we’re after.

Finally, the last thing we need to learn to be happy is to appreciate what we have and that was phrased best by the Greek philosopher Epicurus:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

So you’ve read about matching happiness, now go get yourself some and let me know how it goes 🙂

 

>> Next Chapter: Why Are There Masters and slaves?

<< Back to Evolution of Male property